The Panini Grill of Death (plus Dolphins!)

The mini Panini-maker I use at home.  Looks safe, attractive, and inviting, right?  Don't be deceived - it's nothing but a heinous grilling machine, with the devious hand-eating instincts. 

At work we have this thing called “The Panini Grill.”  It’s basically a gigantic cast-iron sandwich, in which the Panini’s are the meat/cheese/innards/whathaveyou.  So in order to operate this beast, you must “open the sandwich” and arrange the Panini on the bottom half of the grill, all the while hoping the top half doesn’t accidently slam down on your fingers and create a hand sandwich (not to be confused with a ham sandwich).  It’s a machine of death, I tell you.  Not that I have a deep fear of burning myself or anything.

Potholders aren’t even an option – they’re too thick and inefficient.  Planning is my only protection.  So I practice evasive maneuvers, such as pulling my hand away ASAP.  Should that not be an option (i.e. when it's coming down too fast), I’ve also practiced barrel-roll maneuvers, in which I flip my hand to the side of the Panini and flatten it, hoping the thickness of the sandwich will keep my hand from being seared by the two halves of the grill.  This is why I stuff my Panini’s thick with chicken goodness.  It has nothing to do with the satisfaction of the customer.  It only has to do with me not getting burned by the grill.

I hate burns.  I hate fire.  I hate heat!!  No wait, heat is good.  Especially in Minnesota during the winter.  Fire is good too, I guess.  Maybe.  Someone once told me I need to be more “fiery.”  Does anyone know what that means?  I don’t get it.  I assume it wasn’t a reference to my fear of fire, though I don’t see how one can be more “fiery” and avoid getting burned. But really, I don’t know what it means to be more fiery (fiery-er?  fierier?).  Perhaps they were referring to my incessantly hesitant personality.  *sigh*  I’ve been like this since I was a kid.  Careful.  Cautious.  Conscientious.  “Inhibited” perhaps.  “Shy” even.  Sum it all up with “self-conscious.” 

It’s not that I’m a passive piece of seaweed that just waves around with the current and has no backbone of its own.  I promise I have my own ideas – I’m actually pretty extroverted, with lots of thoughts, and a natural inclination towards leadership.  So with all these excellent personality traits, you’d think I’d be a piece of coral, unyielding and solid, bending the waters to my will, all the while maintaining a beautiful shade of pink.  Alas, ‘tis not so.  

I suspect an evil witch cursed me at birth with two additional personality traits:

1. I hate offending people.  Mainly because I hate rejection.  That’s a very painful burn.  Ouch, I cringe just thinking of it. 
2. I want to make the best, most efficient and effective choice possible.  BECAUSE I MUST WIN AT EVERYTHING!!  ;)

The problem is that life is messy and it’s not easy to determine the quickest route from Point A to Point B.  Unless you can fly or do Geometry.  Both of which are magical properties that aren’t options for people in the real world.

And you know what’s even messier than life?  People!!  They’re so subjective – at least Point A and Point B are objective!  I mean, humans aren't so bad when they just give you their money and take their cup of coffee and don’t say anything.  The problem is that it’s never that simple.  You can’t help but communicate with people – the very fact that they’re in your presence means that you’re automatically communing with them.  And communing begets communication.  The way you hand them their coffee.  The pitch of your voice when you bid them a good morning.  The speed at which they slam the door on their way out.

The problem with communication is that there are a MILLION ways to say something, and 500,000 of those ways could offend someone and cause them to hate you forever (depending on how they interpret it).  So there are billions of factors going into every instance of successful communication, for both the communicator and the audience.  And it takes a lot of analysis to figure out how to say what you mean in a way that will click with your audience’s interpretation grid (and avoid unnecessary rejection).

So, yes, I am hesitant when it comes to interacting with people.  *righteous indignation*  And yet I realize this is what impedes me from making quick decisions.  Because sometimes it’s not about being efficient or right, it’s about being convenient and fast.  Which is a difficult concept for a recovering perfectionist to understand.  But it is indeed a reality.  However, there’s a balance to it.  Like when I’m making people their lattes. 

Ideally, I’d like to hand a customer their latte in 4 minutes or less.  (Otherwise the caffeine-addict fangs begin to show.  Actually, that's not true; our customers are great.  I just start to get nervous and feel bad that they're having to wait so long.  Also I run out of things to say and feel awkward.)  At the same time, I want to do a good job and give them the most delicious/artistic latte possible.  (Because people automatically love you when you hand them something yummy.  Also lattes aren't cheap.)  Yes sir, there's a fine balance between efficiency and detail. 

So in conclusion, I need to figure out a way to be bold and decisive while retaining sensitivity to people’s needs.  Somehow I must become more coral-like.  Without accidently crushing poor, unsuspecting surfers/sailors/families from Switzerland.  'Cause there's nothing like a good shipwreck when it comes to miscommunication and eternal rejection.  Hmmm ... perhaps I should aim for Dolphin-Status.  After all, dolphins rescue people and they're friendly and perky - plus, they have BACKBONES!!!     *wink-wink*